Roll Up with Stoner Lyza
Lyza is a freelance writer and weed enthusiast. She has spent the past decade as a functional stoner, first as a ‘secret stoner’ in the corporate world, before escaping office life to freelance and smoke a whole bunch of bud.
So, it’s been a stressful few months.
The current ‘situation’ (isn’t it crazy that we have THREE ‘C’ words now?) is like witnessing the world after it has drunk a crate of Monster Energy. We seem to be speeding into disaster as a species, and we’re in a strange new era where every news headline includes the word ‘unprecedented’.
When the world is losing it and I need a time out, I reach for the bong, the vape, the gummies, or my trusted rolling tray for a traditional joint. I’ve been doing it a lot recently.
I’m sure the THC levels of the nation have been higher while handling the near-constant push notifications telling you something really fucking bad has happened – yet again. An end isn’t looking in sight as we all reach that part of the rollercoaster where we take a collective deep breath and wait for the economic drop to hit.
It has been, for everyone, no exceptions, a trying time.
BUT I have one thought which keeps me going – I have it scrawled on a piece of paper – written during a moment of apocalyptic hysteria when the leader of the free world told his people to inject bleach- taped above my ramshackle ‘work from home’ setup, and I want to share it with you…
After All This Blows Over, Smoke Weed And Visit The Zoo Immediately
For a period of my life, I was overly concerned with my personal productivity performance (say that three times fast in the mirror and an ‘entrepreneur’ will appear and tell you their morning routine).
I worked in data marketing, and lived in a world where every action and emotion could be measured and quantified. I used software which literally claimed to measure ‘empathy levels’ on social media, so I could provide graphs which scientifically break down when and why a company has fucked up.
Part of this obsession included keeping a journal and corresponding spreadsheet where I scored every day out of 10, so I could track and quantify my emotional wellbeing over a period of time (top tip – don’t do this, turns out emotions are quite nuanced and not suitable for a 1-10 scale. The Pitchfork system may work, however).
A perfect ‘10’ was a rare thing. Even in my own private system I built just for me, I only dished out two ‘10’s in a six month period, overly critical of my own joy.
The first perfect 10 was the day I got high and went to the zoo. My scrawled diary entry opened:
“If you are reading this after I die, this is the most important advice you will ever read: SMOKE WEED AND GO TO THE ZOO.”
I had never been more serious about anything in my life.
After a particularly brutal and blizzardy winter, my fellow stoner housemate and I were both ready to escape the city and go somewhere fun where we could enjoy the sunshine.
Sharing a bowl on a Friday night and staring at the city lights on our little smoking balcony, we were tired out and facing a quiet weekend of smoking and watching films – just like the last weekend, and the weekend before.
Then, a lightning bolt of inspiration hit my housemate.
“I know where we should go… the zoo.”
My eyes widened.
The next day, we rolled a killer joint at home.
We walked off the bus, found a quiet grassy patch and smoked up, laughing together behind a bush, looking completely unsuspicious I’m sure.
As soon as we walked through the zoo gates, we knew we had made the right decision. The first thing we saw was a huge complex with one word emblazoned on the welcome sign, a beautiful promise: ‘MONKEYS’.
I clocked the sign at the exact same time as a six year old near us who immediately started hyperventilating. I felt a strike of jealousy that I wasn’t allowed to publicly freak out because I’m an adult. The high was rushing in, and I cannot begin to describe the joy of knowing you are about to watch a bunch of monkeys hang out together.
Things only got better. We watched a domestic drama involving some lions unfold before our eyes, laughed at the seals flopping around, admired the soft belly of a crocodile, and then went back to the monkeys to watch our close genetic cousins throw their own shit at eachother.
We ended with the main event: the black rhinos.
My bloodshot eyes regarded the rhino. Watching it chew on hay, a creature weighing a tonne with a brain weighing less than a kilogram. ‘Whoa’, I murmur while reading a board titled ‘Rhino Facts’, ‘that whole thing is powered by plants. That’s amazing. The vegans have a point.’
We stand and stare for what feels like hours, totally awed by these massive weird animals, they may as well be aliens.
As we strolled around the zoo in a baked haze, I felt every stress release from my shoulders. I felt like I had found out the secret to happiness, the medicine was right here – get stoned and go to the zoo.
And when all this blows over, I urge you to try the same. You will feel much better, promise.
Wanna get high and go to the zoo? These are the best strains for the experience:
Easy to carry around and enjoy on the go, Strawberry Cough Van City Rolls are made with a sativa dominant hybrid, which will give you the euphoric and energetic feelings which perfectly matches the vibe of a day at the zoo.
For those who like to roll their own, we love the light lemony taste and mood boosting effects of Love Potion no.1 – a 70% sativa strain with a long-lasting high for a fun day out.
Going out with non-smokers? No fear, edibles are here! Our bestselling watermelon gummies hold 10mg of THC per sweet, perfect for those who are making their first steps into edibles. It is all about the timing, but eat one of these babies during your travel to the zoo, and the high will be kicking in once you’re watching those monkeys.